Telling people is always shit..

It’s barely been a few weeks since my little boy was born still on a cold January day. I know I am still grieving terribly. I have had plans to “write” about all the experiences leading up to and around losing my baby boy. I haven’t so far – mainly because it is still so raw and upsetting and also because it feels like I will be putting Dunc on the shelf and saying another good bye if I do it.

I’m not ready to let him go yet. Grief is confusing in this way – you want to say goodbye, but still keep them with you at the same time.

I had to go into our into see the ladies in the leasing office to pay the rent a few days ago. I was nervous about this – they were some of the people that had actually seen me steadily getting bigger.

I won’t lie – I lost it a bit. Saying out loud “I lost my baby” – it was upsetting. They were lovely about it of course. Most of our friends and family are home in Australia, so a good portion of the people we have told up to this point received the news via email. I feel for my husband having to go into work and telling people why he’d been away.

I feel right now – (a week after starting this entry) – that I am proud of my son for getting as far as he did. I will always remember him and I love to talk about him with Wogan. I wish he was here though. That isn’t going away. He was our little ball of potential and it’s never going to be right…or a thing that happened for a “reason”.

I don’t think I am going to stop mentioning him though – not to save people’s feelings or make it easier. He deserves to be spoken of and loved. It is all we can do now. We can honour him by remembering. He will always be our first baby.