I’m in a emotional state today. It’s partly to do with Dunc and mostly about me.
I’ve started an evening course it massage therapy. It goes over ten months and it looks like it will be a great learning experience. It will give me a skill in a area I always want to improve on: which is to help people. One of the reasons I had such trouble enjoying nursing in Australia is because I had no time to truly ‘care’ for my patients. It is also give me something to focus while I try to find a job, pass my nursing exam and maybe just maybe settle in better to Seattle. It’s a course to help me transition and I hope it helps. The teachers know me and know my situation.
I have some doubts on whether this is what I should be doing – my brain and body still so firmly want to be expecting my son. While I know this isn’t a realistic idea – it’s an urge I have no control over. Even if I were to strip my life bare of reminders – it would be there. I don’t want to though. He deserves to be remembered. I think he would want us to love him and want us to try again. I’m not unhealthy in this – it’s just the way my personal grief is. My heart will always have a patch of yearning for the son I never get to have.
It’s amazing how far things have come in stillbirth in hospitals. The chance to hold and touch and say goodbye. Massage is beginning to teach me how important human touch really is. I can’t imagine my grandmothers agony. She never got to hold her little girl. At the same time though – even those short hours didn’t feel like enough. Holding Dunc was like feeding an insatiable hunger.Â Walking away from him in the hospital – to leave him alone.
I have this change inside of me now. I feel like I am less capable of dealing with other people and being understanding of the way they are. I would usually put myself as being quite accepting. Maybe I can still be that way, but right now if someone isn’t having a good impact on me..then I want to let them go.Â I am exhausted by some of my relationships. I don’t want people to tip toe around me and I have less tolerance for crap. I think I am recognizing that a friend might not always be your friend forever. Time doesn’t necessarily mean I have to continue a commitment.