This alphabet soup is very difficult to do…what on EARTH am I going to write for X?
Grief is a strange thing. It is so very viral. It becomes part of who you are. Losing something or someone from your life is very hard. I don’t think you get over it. You just move forward with it. I’ve had things happen to me in my life. I’ve had losses. But nothing has come as close to my heart as losing Duncan.
It has been..devastating, heart wrenching, frustrating and terrible. Initially there was a lot of shock. I got asked at one point if knowing that my baby was sick and might die, whether that made it easier. Not at all. I have tried to be patient with myself and others. I think in this I am allowed to feel what I feel. Fuck it is hard though.
Being away from friends and family possibly means W and I are dealing this in a non-standard way. (But, really, is there any kind of standard here?). We have people that know us here… but they’ve only just met us and they are watching us go through hell. Some of these people are still expecting their own babies.
The best balm right now, is sometimes hearing Duncan’s name from someone that isn’t W or I. Cuddling W on the couch or going walking with him. I’m finding it hard to articulate what I’ve been through. I was supposed to be having a baby in a few days. (although W and I both agree, Dunc was likely to have arrived early). I also realised recently that I’ve been almost aggressively telling some people that we will try again, that we are doing this that and the other thing. Trying to tell them we are ok…which we aren’t. We do want to try again, we do want to have a family, in time. But, it sure is going to be difficult and terrifying.
I am not quite ready to go over what has happened in large detail. I think think, we are moving through the acute stage of things. But things still come at you sideways. W and I still love and laugh, although at first that felt strange and made you feel guilty. I am going to live my life and remember my son with a smile. Tears will always be ok and every beer will be for him.