Life is just this.
So, I’ve decided to finish this A – Z… obviously it will be several months late…
But whatever – I do what I want!
I’ve been busy living. This is part of the reason I’ve not written for awhile. I’ve certainly thought about it a lot. I’m not sure they have been anything but extended brain farts though.
After some thought, I’ve decided I want to accept and be ok with what I am now – which is a lot of different things. I want to be ok with the fact that I can’t be everything I’ve expected I will be. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I am fine with the path I’ve taken… but sometimes doubts creep into a mind. It is all right to have these doubts, but I don’t want those doubts (read:fears?) to stop me doing the things I want to do with my family here in America. I certainly don’t want to give myself flack for not achieving every expectation, goal..etc.Â I want other things too, involving houses, jobs and all that stuff… but this is the main thing.Â At this moment though, this paragraph is giving me the shits. I am trying to articulate something specific in a general way and it isn’t working. Oh well.
Moving on to other musings.
In a lot of ways, moving across the world frees up a lot of expectations that get placed on a person. They still filter through across the waves of the internet. But in day to day life, things have evolved. I’ve been wondering about how I’ve changed since I moved here and trying to account for what has caused some of these changes. What does the person who never moved and never went through the last year and a half look like? It doesn’t matter really though, this is me now.Â I’ve got to stop saying what I might have done had I stayed in Australia and focus on what I am doing here in America.
I’ve met some really cool and interesting people here in Seattle. This is a city filled with some mighty passionate nerds. It is pretty fantastic. I still keenly miss those that we left in Aus. But I am awake enough now to put energy into new things and better energy into the current things. So very much of this last year has been hunkered down inside myself.
W and I both have some substantial memory loss around the earlier parts of this year.Â But there have been days. Days where it snowed. Days where we tasted something new. Days where we have seen some amazing nature. And then beside ourselves – laughter, smiles and love. It is all still there inside of us. Sometimes these things bubble up and then grief settles in right alongside for the ride. Sometimes they just are. And so it is. Am I sad that on beautiful days filled with sunshine, that I have to wipe tears away from my beloved’s face? Of course. But we can hold our hands together and love him.
I think that even though it has been hard, having friends and family to talk to has helped. New ones to make and get to know, has been so lovely as well. Talking to each other. Listening. Our annoying cats. Making the choice to live and move into the day. (Very difficult sometimes). Recognizing when we can’t. (Important). There is no solution to this, or a way to fix it. You just have to keep living.
So, we live.
And we take joy in what we can.