Let it go….

So, I’ve been complaining to my husband for months that I just want time to blog about all the amazing things that have been happening in our lives. Things have changed in this house since Ribbit arrived on scene. (Only 10 days overdue – that’s another story).

Now that I have the time, (Or do I really? – I never know how long she will sleep for!) …

Anyway, I don’t know what to write is what I am getting to. I am up and down like a roller coaster with this kid. I’ve never had such an intense and ongoing project in my life before. One with no set parameters or limits. Everyday brings new surprises and challenges, new glaring parts of my personality that I can’t hide from!

She is awesome and ferocious…demanding and loud..but her smile lights up her entire face and she is so HERE and PRESENT. I love her… but I could barely say it for the first few months…it really felt to start with like I had given birth to some kind of blood sucking leech that never wanted to leave me.. ever!

(Seriously, I could not put that baby down without some serious complaints).

Then she started opening her eyes more and actually processing things. I remember she one day started staring at the frog decals next to her change table. I would see her little eyes shining up at me when she ate, she was starting to “wake up”. Then came little smiles that got bigger and bigger. Now her Dad has gotten a few blown laughs out of her (I get half giggles – apparently I am not as hilarious). She examines her own hands and feet, puts anything she can get a hold of in her mouth. She watches people talk and jumps when the coffee grinder goes on. She has the most adorable drop lip ever. (It swiftly turns into a rather piercing shriek…again, another story).

It has been.. really hard. Harder then a lot of things I have done. The thing I struggle with is not going “off duty”.. not having my own time is hard. Even harder to know if I will be able to steal some at all. She hasn’t been overly predictable as yet..getting this girl to sleep has been a large daily hurdle. She has decided day time naps are for chumps! So far I have coped by venting loudly to anyone who stops by for five minutes! W comes home and joins in with head and heart open. We are all finding our rhythm in this house, but the tiny overlord is the one in charge and she has no idea what she is doing ;P

I feel like if I can just “let go” of the need to be able to predict what will happen next and just enjoy it..things will get easier. She ain’t sleeping today? Tomorrow she might…definitely by the next since she exhaustion may have set in by then! The internet almost makes for an enemy – a large amount of information to compare my baby to. (That said – white noise is the shit!) I also miss home and support of family and friends. A lot. Although I have met some amazing and awesome people here.

I am a different person, I have changed a lot in the last few years, but I am still me.

(Also, I can not wait to go to the playground with her!)