M is for Moving :) (Across the Universe)

Cannington, Beckenham, Glendalough, Padbury, Doubleview, Rockingham, Stirling, Pithara, Karrinyup, Huntingdale, South Hedland, Dixon’s Caravan Park, Bunbury, one of the “yup”s down south, Rivervale, Tuart Hill, West Perth, City Beach….Seattle.

I love moving. I hate moving.

I have moved getting close to twenty times in my life. It is certainly getting up there.

Early years I don’t remember so much, going from south to north Western Australia. I lived in a caravan park in a chalet for awhile. That was the coolest thing. As a twelve year old, it was super fun to be in this little community of long term residents. My mum was a manager at the service station there. We got to “order” our lunch for school everyday. (Unfortunately, at 6am, for some reason I only ever wanted a cheese sandwich…)

I’ve lived in a place with a pool (awesome!), a place with a hot tub, a place with upstairs and downstairs…a duplex, a couple of apartments, a bunch of share houses and even in a renovated garage. In Perth I have lived North, South, East and West of the River. There was a point where over the course of five years, I didn’t stay anywhere more then roughly six months! I can’t recommend that, moving isn’t cheap and it is nice to spend a bit longer in different places.

After I met W, we moved in together into a once-in-lifetime kind of rental deal. It was a beach house in City Beach, Perth. It was old, leaky and overgrown. It was also stuffed to the gills with the former resident’s gear still! It was great though. Like really great. You could see the ocean from the back room. You could fall asleep to the sound of waves crashing. It had old wooden doors out the front that looked like something straight out of Labyrinth.

We also lived in a cute duplex half in West Perth, also old, also quirky. It was located close to the city and a lovely array of local eateries. It still managed to be on a quiet street. My cat had half the local walking population trained to stroll past and give her pats. We were there just over two years. At that point, that was the longest I had stayed anywhere for ages.

Then came the chance to go to Seattle, USA.

You know, I never thought not going was a real option. I thought it was such a cool opportunity. I definitely did not expect to as homesick as I have been. I didn’t realize how, even with all the moves… I had really settled into Perth. I was really getting to know the city and and all the little nooks and crannies. I was really comfortable.

That being said, Seattle is great. I am starting to get comfy here too. There are some great people in and about the place. The neighborhoods are all really interesting. I don’t think we will ever run out of new places to eat. (Eating is incredibly important!) Very close by there are MOUNTAINS and NATURE…islands and all sorts…We will get out there more.

We lived in Capital Hill the first few weeks we were here, then Queen Anne up until this point. It was kind of in-between upper and lower Queen Anne. The apartment had pros and cons. It was stupidly close to the city – us being without wheels meant that was super important! It had great views of the city and Rainier when she was out. Lake Union slowly became more visible as winter came and the leaves dropped. It was an apartment though and we’ve had some heavy footed neighbors upstairs. (Also, ask W about the thumb story).

Just in the last week we have moved again! To a house! And it’s ours! Or the debt is ours anyway. We looked and drove around with our agent for months and months. We got outbid several times. We ended up giving a short sale place a shot. It went mostly smoothly, with some interesting bumps. But we got it and we moved in with some help from some awesome people… it’s really great 🙂

It is located in Ravenna or Roosevelt technically. It is a 1920’s house with some interesting leaks and a very large list of things that need to be fixed! It has a couple of bedrooms up top and some that need some work downstairs. It has a dining nook with a booth in the kitchen. This is really cool and lovely. Please come have a cup of tea with me in it sometime and I will show you 😉 Our house is the Sideways House – so called due to a fabulous technical filming area. We looked at at LEAST 60 or 70 properties…the contenders for the day would usually get a video. For some reason, this house I buggered it up… 9 minutes of Sideways glory!

In the last year. I have struggled with some other kinds of moving. I’ve slowed down so much I almost stopped. Then things have spun out of control so quickly I’ve come to and not been able to remember big chunks of time. I’ve also done things that I’ve called sideways moves. I wasn’t letting myself see things for the value they had. But moving sideways is just moving forward in a different direction. So that is OK.





Posted in A - Z | Leave a comment

L is for Living.

Life is just this.
It’s living.

So, I’ve decided to finish this A – Z… obviously it will be several months late…

But whatever – I do what I want!

I’ve been busy living. This is part of the reason I’ve not written for awhile. I’ve certainly thought about it a lot. I’m not sure they have been anything but extended brain farts though.

After some thought, I’ve decided I want to accept and be ok with what I am now – which is a lot of different things. I want to be ok with the fact that I can’t be everything I’ve expected I will be. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I am fine with the path I’ve taken… but sometimes doubts creep into a mind. It is all right to have these doubts, but I don’t want those doubts (read:fears?) to stop me doing the things I want to do with my family here in America. I certainly don’t want to give myself flack for not achieving every expectation, goal..etc.  I want other things too, involving houses, jobs and all that stuff… but this is the main thing.  At this moment though, this paragraph is giving me the shits. I am trying to articulate something specific in a general way and it isn’t working. Oh well.

Moving on to other musings.

In a lot of ways, moving across the world frees up a lot of expectations that get placed on a person. They still filter through across the waves of the internet. But in day to day life, things have evolved. I’ve been wondering about how I’ve changed since I moved here and trying to account for what has caused some of these changes. What does the person who never moved and never went through the last year and a half look like? It doesn’t matter really though, this is me now.  I’ve got to stop saying what I might have done had I stayed in Australia and focus on what I am doing here in America.

I’ve met some really cool and interesting people here in Seattle. This is a city filled with some mighty passionate nerds. It is pretty fantastic. I still keenly miss those that we left in Aus. But I am awake enough now to put energy into new things and better energy into the current things. So very much of this last year has been hunkered down inside myself.

W and I both have some substantial memory loss around the earlier parts of this year.  But there have been days. Days where it snowed. Days where we tasted something new. Days where we have seen some amazing nature. And then beside ourselves – laughter, smiles and love. It is all still there inside of us. Sometimes these things bubble up and then grief settles in right alongside for the ride. Sometimes they just are. And so it is. Am I sad that on beautiful days filled with sunshine, that I have to wipe tears away from my beloved’s face? Of course. But we can hold our hands together and love him.

I think that even though it has been hard, having friends and family to talk to has helped. New ones to make and get to know, has been so lovely as well. Talking to each other. Listening. Our annoying cats. Making the choice to live and move into the day. (Very difficult sometimes). Recognizing when we can’t. (Important). There is no solution to this, or a way to fix it. You just have to keep living.

So, we live.

And we take joy in what we can.


Posted in A - Z | Leave a comment

This is it :)

So I’m here again. W & I are 16 weeks pregnant.


We’ve been playing it low key and telling people slowly. There has been no big announcement. We are really, really happy to be trying this again. Also, speaking for myself here, worrying a lot too.

I woke up this morning thinking about how a few months ago, I was telling someone that I was going to embrace the next pregnancy, light it up from the rooftops and just enjoy it. I had seen this customer at work,  posing for pictures. She was around 5 or 6 months along. She was just so HAPPY and in the moment. So proud and joyful to be expecting. It was nice to see. I don’t think I ever let myself get that happy before. It’s not that I wasn’t, or that I am not now. It’s just a lot harder to get there.

I’ve been thinking about writing for awhile and garnering support from my family and friends. It just so happens that every time I think of this little Ribbit, I think of Dunc too. I don’t think I can write about them separately – I’m having trouble on how to approach it. I think I will just see how it goes, sometimes I can write about one, the other or both.

Ribbit came into being sometime in late June we reckon, I was driving myself a little batty by early July. I thought I might be pregnant, but the tests I had showed up negative. So I sat down and had a beer that night. The next day, I got some more tests in the mail – I was thinking the cheap ones I had in the cupboard might be old and dodgy, so I had ordered some others. I was pretty shocked when the line changed. Then happy. Then really surprised at HOW happy. W has now received the news he is going to be a Dad over the phone twice – since I am terrible at waiting to tell him ANYTHING.


Since then, it’s been the glory of the first trimester. I think I handled it better this time around. I definitely ate more and puked less. Also – for some reason this little baby is a serious carnivore – with Dunc I couldn’t stand the sight of meat, much less eat it. This one is giving me wacky dreams about eating steak! They both didn’t let me touch coffee though. Just the smell of that was… pretty unpleasant. I was also really effing tired. I could go on and on ..an ON about all the grossness of the first part…but I will save that for another day. First trimester sucks for a LOT of reasons!

We went with a different batch of midwives this time. We picked a hospital connected to the local university. It is also a little way out of the city. It was optimistically done, since whilst we are trying to buy a house, we haven’t landed one yet! The midwives seem ok – I have no comparison to Australian prenatal care, but sometimes the health professionals here whack me out. (there is an awkward TMI story here, but it’s a bit much for a Monday morning) .

The first ultrasound with Ribbit was good. Once we finally got into it. I had a largely irrational fear that we would walk in and there would be no heartbeat..or something would be drastically wrong. The first time around, I don’t think that kind of concern even blipped on my radar. So leading up to that scan, W and I were both reasonably jittery.

Ribbit was in there though, and oh so busy! It was pretty comical, the baby was waving arms and legs and almost sort of marching on the spot in there. The baby also had legs facing down, spine up. No idea what they were up to, but that baby was pretty busy. Dunc was sort of chilling out laying with back towards the ground and legs and arms in the air, like he was in a hammock. These two seem to be like chalk and cheese 😉


At 12 weeks you can see the whole baby at once, so it’s pretty cool. I can’t wait to get past the big anatomy scan in a few weeks. I hope I will calm down a bit and just enjoy this. If anything happens, it will still hurt just as bad. There is nothing I can do though, I just have to live through it. I know, I know that the chances are slim, that surely our luck couldn’t be that bad twice running. But unfortunately until I see a live baby at the end of this, I think I am going to stress out about it.  I know this sounds melodramatic. It looks nuts as I write it. But these thoughts flick by. I can’t deny them. But then, if I spent all day thinking about all the things that could go wrong every time I wake up in the morning…I’d probably need to be taking some kind of heavy drug.

I think about other things though. I wonder if this one is a girl, because things are so different. I think about introducing the baby to our family and friends. I wonder if my grumpy cat will be able to put up with a newborn. I am glad we are trying again, that we are in this process. Although I am pregnant at very nearly the exact same time.

But for now. It’s good.  Ribbit kicked me while I was cleaning the shower last night. It was… Fantastic :)  I don’t think it’s the first time…but I think it’s one of the first times I’ve let myself feel it. That sounds nonsensical. But there you go.

P.S. We call Ribbit..well, Ribbit for a lot of stupid and cute reasons surrounding tiny water animals, rainbows and green stuff. The stuff you have to put up with from your parents when you are gestating eh?




Posted in Duncan, Ribbit | 3 Comments

Coming up for air…..

Today it is cloudy and gloomy in Seattle. Hopefully the sun will come out at some point this week – I miss it.

Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic with loss. I don’t know sometimes. I have so many thoughts racing around my head… and getting them out can help. But it doesn’t change the reality.

I’ve been busy lately, possibly too busy. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and have to stop. I cancelled several things so I could just hug the lounge room floor yesterday. I watched a lot of “Call the Midwife” – which of course triggers a lot of blubbering. To be honest I don’t mind though.

One quote caught both W and I unaware…

“…so loss is made endurable by love and it is love that will echo through eternity.”

W says, that even though we lost Duncan, we get to love him…and in this way…the loss is something we can endure. We imagine he would have been a large, possibly highly cantankerous baby.

A moment a few days ago, I watched two mothers focus in on their children and you could just feel the love warm up the room. I felt sort of honoured to be watching the connection they had with their babies. I did very keenly wish I could have mine with me. But that is not the way things are.

Love and grief,  so tightly bound together. I have felt love from near and far in this year. I think I am struggling right now, because I still have this urge to “d0” something for Duncan..something to remember him. One day I would like to maybe spread his ashes under the tree W and were married under. In my mind, it is a hot summers day and I sit with W and dangle my legs over the boards and put my son to rest in a place that we can always come back to.

One of my teachers has a way of putting things, that always settles me down. Sometimes I get angry at the way people talk to me about what we’ve been through. She has helped me acknowledge sometimes what people are saying, isn’t what they are trying to say. “You are coping really well” …acknowledges that we are coping…not that we are going for gold star grief recovery.

I think loss is with you forever, no matter how great or small. As I am slowly having more good days then bad, I look around at the world and how it has shifted forward while I have been hunkered down within myself. I am trying to listen to people again, to share their stories. I feel kind of outraged that I still have so much pain. I get angry when I have to put it to one side so I can do things I am expected to do. I worry I won’t be able achieve the short term things I have set out to do this year.

It’s not all anger though. I love Dunc, I miss him, but he is with me. I put a lovely cross stitch of his in a frame (finally) the other day, I was sort of losing it as I did this, and out of nowhere a hummingbird appeared at the window for a few seconds, then vanished away. A reminder to look at the day filled with sunshine and warmth…

Seattle is growing on me though. I have visitors this week and I get to show them around, which is always fun. I have my full body massage final as well. I haven’t had as much hands on as I should have. But I am hoping that the course will just keep clicking through out the year and I will get there in my own way.


Posted in Duncan | 2 Comments

K is for Kale

Kale is a cabbage like vegetable that has become pretty popular on the heath food circuit in the last few years. It has been around forever and yet, only now is it getting back into everyday diets. I have to admit, until a friend far healthier then I pointed it out, I had never heard of it or knew what to do with it in the kitchen.

Here is the good part though, it is super tasty and not hard to prepare. You can put it in all sorts of things! Right now we usually use it in stir-fries and as part of any Mexican feast…or as a side just cooked through.  I know that you CAN put it in to soups, salads and smoothies…but we haven’t got there yet! It lasts well in the fridge too.

It also contains stuff that is good for you, beta-carotene, anti-oxidants, calcium, protein and all that jazz…but for me the very best part is that my partner likes it 🙂 I mean, he possibly likes it MORE then me. It is hard for him though, as he refers to kale as “hippie” food, but thoroughly enjoys it. Living in Seattle, which is a very health conscious kind of place to be…there a lot of “kale munchers” out there and we are sort of part of that group.

I would encourage you to give it a go!


Posted in A - Z | 1 Comment

J is for Jelly

And not the stuff you don’t think you are ready for either…

Jelly gives me the fear.

It is gross, wobbly and… well it irks me out ok! I have never liked the stuff. It makes me the weird kid that refuses to eat trifle…

I have an old memory of a well meaning relative trying to force feed me jelly and custard, while using that “here comes the aeroplane” stick. I think that might be where it all started. Either way, the utter dislike and revulsion of the wibbly wobbly gunk has stayed with me.

It sort of extends to other gelatinous foods like bubble tea. The very idea of drinking that stuff gives me an increased pulse! My friends have been known to sneak jelly onto my plate at restaurants – just to see my crazy dial wind up a little bit.

It doesn’t even taste good. Sugary gross goo! I haven’t got what you would call a legit fear…more of just a super weird dislike/revulsion I guess. I can handle it better when it is contained in a cup or whatever. But when it is out on a plate, wibbling ever so slightly from side to side..eek!

I could go on..but I prefer not to. Jelly sucks ok!




Posted in A - Z | 2 Comments

A little behind!!

A – to Z lag out!


I will be back in action in a day or two after my test at school!

In the meantime – any suggestions would be super awesome!


Posted in A - Z | 2 Comments

I is for Iliopsoas…

What the bleep is that you say?

It is a muscle…well actually it is TWO! It is the term applied to describe the Illiacus and Psoas Major.

Why do you care?

Well it (they) are pretty darn important! (all muscles are though right?)…

It is a hip flexor and also helps out a bit with lateral rotation. So you know, standing, walking, running… and can also help to pop out your hip to do some fabulous dance moves.




If you check out my super crummy drawing here, you can see the Psoas muscle attaches (originates) from the TVP’s of Thoracic 12 and Lumbar 1-5 (the longer skinny bit stretching up to the spine) and the illiacus muscle attaches to the anterior (front) illiac fossa (fossa means, pit, groove or depression).  The anterior illiac fossa is basically like, the inside groove of the upper pelvis. Both stretch down to finish (or insert) at the lesser trochanter on the femur. (the lesser trochanter is a little nobbly bit of bone on your inside and upper thigh).






Here is what I talked about  just before, but in tech talk for school. I have to REMEMBER all of this!


Posted in A - Z | 1 Comment

H is for Hakuna Matata…. :P

“Ha-kooo-nah Mah-taaa-taa!”

We all know what that means right 😛

I had no idea what to do for H ok?

One of my massage therapy teachers has noted that Australians are very fond of replying to most things with a quick and happy “No worries!” She isn’t wrong! Even if she does call vegemite “gunk”…

Despite all the shit. It is going to be ok.

Also…I now live in a city where you can buy a Ninja Turtle beanie…






Posted in A - Z, Seattle | 2 Comments

G is for Grief…

This alphabet soup is very difficult to do…what on EARTH am I going to write for X?

Grief is a strange thing. It is so very viral. It becomes part of who you are. Losing something or someone from your life is very hard. I don’t think you get over it. You just move forward with it. I’ve had things happen to me in my life. I’ve had losses. But nothing has come as close to my heart as losing Duncan.

It has been..devastating, heart wrenching, frustrating and terrible. Initially there was a lot of shock. I got asked at one point if knowing that my baby was sick and might die, whether that made it easier. Not at all. I have tried to be patient with myself and others. I think in this I am allowed to feel what I feel. Fuck it is hard though.

Being away from friends and family possibly means W and I are dealing this in a non-standard way. (But, really, is there any kind of standard here?). We have people that know us here… but they’ve only just met us and they are watching us go through hell. Some of these people are still expecting their own babies.

The best balm right now, is sometimes hearing Duncan’s name from someone that isn’t W or I. Cuddling W on the couch or going walking with him. I’m finding it hard to articulate what I’ve been through. I was supposed to be having a baby in a few days. (although W and I both agree, Dunc was likely to have arrived early). I also realised recently that I’ve been almost aggressively telling some people that we will try again, that we are doing this that and the other thing. Trying to tell them we are ok…which we aren’t. We do want to try again, we do want to have a family, in time. But, it sure is going to be difficult and terrifying.

I am not quite ready to go over what has happened in large detail. I think think, we are moving through the acute stage of things. But things still come at you sideways. W and I still love and laugh, although at first that felt strange and made you feel guilty. I am going to live my life and remember my son with a smile. Tears will always be ok and every beer will be for him.



Posted in A - Z, Duncan | 3 Comments